Feeling Unheard
And why we should all learn to listen to others and to ourselves
As most of you know, I’m doing an Advanced Training in Breathwork with the amazing team of Dr Ela Manga from Breathwork Africa. Last weekend, we spent a lot of time discussing what listening really means.
The discussion reminded me of numerous occasions when I shared with a friend how I was struggling with MS and they replied ‘I know how you feel, I’m also struggling with….’ Although I knew they meant well, it left me feeling unheard and lonely.
According to various posts on social media, here are some of the worst things one can say to someone with MS, chronic fatigue or similar conditions.
Oh, TRUST me… I know exactly how you feel!
You should or shouldn’t …. do this or that
Try this… it helps
Why do these kind words make us feel sad, lonely or angry?
Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash
Listening: a hard skill to develop
Our natural instinct when listening to someone sharing their challenges is to give advice - after all, we want to help them. We also want them to feel ‘understood’ so we’ll tell them ‘I know how you feel. Me too…’ We might even think that this is what good friends are for. Now let’s imagine that instead of reacting, we look them in the eyes and listen, without speaking. We’re simply holding space for them to talk. Then they know we’re fully with them, giving them our undivided attention. They feel heard, and supported.
Whether we have health issues or any other kind of challenges, we should all have the opportunity to share and feel heard. This would make our lives easier. But listening is not an easy skill to develop. Have you ever tried to listen to someone sharing their current challenges for 3 minutes… without talking? You might think ‘3 minutes isn’t a big deal. Well… it isn’t as easy as it sounds, believe me. And if you don’t believe me, try it.
What about listening to ourselves?
I believe we should develop the same skills to listen to ourselves. If you’re interested in reading more about this, I recommend this article which contains some food for thought, such as:
How do you tell what thoughts are the real you, and what thoughts are just what you’ve been taught to think?
How do you recognise when you are just listening to your inner critic?
I’d love to hear from you now. Do you struggle listening without giving advice? Do you often feel unheard? Do you listen to yourself?
One of my dearest students told me that her husband and her start the day by telling each other ‘I’m listening to you’. I really think this is a beautiful way to start the day.
I’m listening to you.